Tuesday Evening

As the glow of the weekend wears off I find myself somewhat melancholy. It has been so long since I have written a blog of any kind, almost a year.

Life sure has been filled with some great ups this year, but of course those ups always have a price. I am speaking of life in general in that statement, but the source of this evening's mood is much more specific. When I get down about men I usually try to revert to all of the other wonderful things I do have in this life, but it doesn't erase that void I feel.

In this year there have been 3 that I had hoped for potential, 2 of which sought me out...which I have to say was exciting as that hasn't happened in a long time. But both of them were the same guy they always are though, just in a different package. I guess it doesn't matter who begins the pursuit, it's how they were to me in the long run that weighs on me.

For years after Jeff I couldn't even think of being in a relationship again. I gave way more than anyone ever should in that one and it was so one sided. Ultimately realizing all of his betrayals and that they were right there in my face the whole time, but I refused to see it, made it impossible for me to trust myself when it came to men. For a while there were none at all. Then a few I knew being closed off would not be a problem...they were obviously only there for the same reason I was-fun with no strings attached.

The problem is for some time now I have been wanting to actually find someone date-able. Someone worthy of calling boyfriend, but I still keep seeking or attracting the same guy...Mr You're An Amusement Park, Right? Well no actually. I need to figure out how to stop this cycle without undoing the emotional progress I have made by closing off altogether, again.

I guess the last one really has me spinning still. I thought he was different. I thought I knew him, only to find out I actually did know him, he is THAT guy I don't need or want anymore. It makes me sad he didn't live up to my expectations of him as a person. Not that having random fun is wrong, it can be great. And he was up front kinda after the fact that he wasn't looking for a relationship, but he was not up front about his recent activities, with people I knew. People involved with men whom are sort of friends of his. It really gave me an insight into his lack of integrity that made me ill. Still does. Not that a guy could do that...I know plenty of them, I just thought he was different. Me and this guy have been done for a few weeks now, but I have to see him all the freakin time. I am nice of course, always the politician.

So this weekend rolls around and I have been looking forward to it for a month. Ever since I heard those boys from Utah were rolling back through town. When they were here last I had a small fling with the drummer. While musicians are a weakness, I don't usually succumb to random encounters with ones I don't know, but this guy was different. Before he made a pass at me I would have never even considered it. I am more that 10 years older than him, not as pretty or thin as I used to be and he is beautiful. And I don't mean just looks wise, with his personality and the way he carries himself he could easily have most any girl in the room. I was completely knocked off my feet that he would choose me. Yeah I have been in awe of this encounter for over a year and after this weekend, really in awe.

So this whole past week I have been nervous about this. I looked at the web page, saw he was still in the band so I knew he would be there. But I know the game and play it all to well at times, so I knew I could pull off being cool about it. Honestly I counted on needing to be because I figured he might have a "oh no not her" issue. Boy was I wrong! I saw him walk past me just before they went on, but said nothing. With my hair being so different I didn't expect him to recognize me anyway. I waited till the show was over. For my own sake I needed to...I wanted to see the show. These guys, well the lead man, is absolutely amazing! No way I wanted to say anything before and feel uncomfortable through the show.

So I walk up to him and he lit up as soon as he recognized me. I was so relieved! We had a bit of "how have you been?" talk and I told him I was headed across the street and he should come. It could not have been more perfect. So perfect I look back on it and up until we were totally alone, it was if it was professionally written and directed. Hung out some at the bar, mentioned I was invited back to the house and he responded he was hoping I would come hang out...perfect. When the band was turning in, I said I was leaving and he was dissapointed I was not staying. Feeling a bit bold for a moment, I invited him to my place and he accepted...perfect. Although when we got alone, I got nervous. I was a bit afraid of what to say, how to act. But he still seemed happy to be there. I asked if he had slept ok and I believe he said something like...are you kidding I slept great! Got him back in time for breakfast before they were off to another city.

Sounds like a fairytale almost...the only problem is he's gone. Not sure I will ever see him again, but then again I didn't expect to see him ever again after last year either.

So the source of my mood is I have been high on this guy for probably about 2 weeks. Then the time we spent while he was here really made me high on him, but it is bad. It's on him to keep in touch and I am afraid he won't. I am afraid that the only reason I see him with the air of difference, this light...is because he isn't here long enough for me to discover he is again, the same guy in a different package.

Yesterday I wanted to move to Utah, today I'll settle for an email in a week. Because, while he may not be my happily ever after, I really want him to at least be different.