Well I am a neglectful blogger for sure. Yeah I didn't have a computer for over a month so it really hindered things a bit. I actually rambled in a journal for a bit. I almost feel freer to say as I please there...until I think that someone could pick it up and read it anyway. Truth is I haven't had much to say these days.

I suppose I don't want to think about it too much or I might realize how fucked up shit really is. After three years of living alone I am having a hard time adjusting to living with a roommate. it's not like she has ecome another person, she is the same person I have known for 12 years now, I just struggle with sharing space I suppose.

Love is non-existant. Every once in a while I feel like I have my Mr. Big, but all the while know I don't. He serves the purpose of the feel of another human being, and I do like him, but I know it is not like that for him. It keeps the walls up pretty high, the occasional crack or two of course, but they are up for sure.

Sleep beckons so that will be all for now...maybe soon I will feel a bit more open to the mess in my head.

The post that should have been here

Monday, February 8, 2010

Ah a blank page...
Waiting for nightime minutes. Would actually be asleep by now if not for such restrictions.Sure staying up past 9 should be an easy task for someone nocturnal as I, but alas not this evening. This evening I am sleepy. I may have slept through my day actually. Spending too much time these days trying to get out of my head. It isn't working.Yes I want a smoke. I keep telling myself I don't, but it keeps coming back around. I doubt I am strong enough to resist much longer. Almost went to Common Market on the way home, but somehow managed to not turn, go straight, go home.Well there are so many things I want to write, but really none I want to publish, so the notebook wins over technology this round...soon maybe.

Not ready

Tomorrow is December...ugh

Cancelled presents again this year. I hate always being broke.

I wish I could just feel happy about the season without the nonsense, but I really do love finding that right gift.

Don't get me wrong, I hate the actual shopping, just the score.

Not this year tho :(

Too Many Questions

They're are all swilling around in my head and it is making it impossible to finish any thoughts...or sleep for that matter.

Why do I always do this to myself?
Where does all the money go?
Why didn't I say the things I wanted to when I had the chance?
Will I ever get that chance again or is it gone for good?
Why can't I stop sleepwalking through life?
When will I ever really feel connected, does it always come in fleeting moments?
Where is my inspiration?
Why clouds when I so need to see the stars?
Can it really be past my bedtime already, but I am so awake?
What is that thing I should do to provide the income I need?
Will I ever see Paris?
Will I ever see the Pacific Ocean again and this time actually get to touch it?
How did I get myself into this mess?
Can I really win the lottery or am I just a fool for randomly playing?
Why can't I just stop smoking as easily as I can light a cigarette?
Where did I go?
Was I ever really here in the 1st place?
Why am I here?

I'll stop now before I start speaking of the water underground...

Saturday Morning

The morning after.

Yesterday was a good day. Didn't have to be in the cube, any day that starts that way is a good one. Day began with the next artist. While I am not feeling this exhibit, I had no work to do in setting it up. He brought help. I got to spend my time chatting with Kelly. They finish in time for me to go grocery shopping with her.

1st stop Trader Joe's, I love that place! Then on to Teeter for the things you need, but can't get at TJ's.

I have been to Kelly's a few times, but never seen most of the art around her house...some of it is truly stunning! I especially love her exposed wall in the "sewing room."

Off to home to unload my delicious finds and relax some before the Gallery Crawl. I relaxed too well, some time on the puter, long walk with Hannah to enjoy more of the pretty day and forgot to eat. It was too late for that...the sun was setting and I needed to get to the reception.

Well lucky me the artist brought food, I had some salami and cheese...hardly a meal. Of course I accompany my dinner with a beer. Some time passes and it's time to hit the streets with the promo stuff for the band. I love handing out free CDs. It makes me feel like the music fairy :) With one pass down the street they are gone. Got to chat some with one of the local artists and decide to head back to home base....The Muse. Outside I find Don and Dana, so this means the magician has arrived...yay! I have been looking forward to his slight of hand.

I am not sure what I enjoyed more, his demonstrations in amazement or the looks on the other's faces as they watched. I think the couple married for 40 years was my favorite. It was so pleasing to watch her enthusiasm.

One of the paintings inside Lark & Key made me want to go next door to Green Rice, I grab Laurie and we head over. I was hoping it would still be open, not only was it open...it was packed! I had no idea the featured artist this month was Green Rice resident Paul Hastings. I love his stuff and he is always so kind when I wander in there and he is working in his studio. Last time he told me to pick up a brush and join him. So I grab a glass of wine a piece of cheese and wander. See Paul and chat some. He is so warm, friendly and talented. He deserved such a success of an opening that kept the gallery open long after 9.

I head on back to The Muse to see a band out of Knoxville, TN that I really liked the 1st time I saw them. They started very late and with only half the band, by the time the others joined and they were getting it together the set was over. After their set Jason wanted to wander across the street for some shots. Forgetting the wine I had already had (I as a rule never mix wine and liquor) only thinking of the yummy beer I had last, I agree to let a friend buy me a shot...well one turned to 2. He was in a mood. A bit heartbroken. I tried not to say "I told you so" but did anyway.

Back across the street to see Stephanie's Id. A band from Asheville that has played Charlotte many times yet I have never seen. They hadn't started yet so my pal wanted a return trip to liquor land. By the time we get back she was probably 1/2 way through her set. She really reminded me of Sugarcubes. You know before Bjork was wearing Swan outfits to award shows. I really, really like them. I will surely make it a point to see them again.

So I had stopped drinking for about an hour, was really tired and it was time to head home. I take Laurie's advice and have Don walk me to my car. It was parked where they have been known to boot and I was hoping my car was not trapped. Lucky me it was not! i say my goodbye and off I go.

Driving up 36th I am following a city bus. Not close, not speeding. There is a car behind me, but the back window has not yet cleared of the autumn dew that had gathered. So until I saw the flashing blue and white lights, I had no idea it was a cop. I instantly think, very little food and the amount of alcohol I had consumed over the past 8 hours (well spaced other than the shots) I was definitely sleeping in a jail cell. He says do you know your inspection is expired? I reply yes, but with the new law I don't need to do it until I renew my tags. He says yes that is true and while technically my tags are good till the 15th, they are still expired. He takes my license and registration to the car...I put the gum in my mouth and pray. He comes back, tells me to be sure i take care of my stuff as soon as possible and to have a good night. I almost said "Really??" but managed to turn that into a thank you Sir I surely will. I pull off and make it home. I am not sure I was breathing for the 1st 5 minutes.

So this morning I woke up happy, so very happy to be here. And as long as I was this lucky...I bought a lottery ticket!

Tuesday Evening

As the glow of the weekend wears off I find myself somewhat melancholy. It has been so long since I have written a blog of any kind, almost a year.

Life sure has been filled with some great ups this year, but of course those ups always have a price. I am speaking of life in general in that statement, but the source of this evening's mood is much more specific. When I get down about men I usually try to revert to all of the other wonderful things I do have in this life, but it doesn't erase that void I feel.

In this year there have been 3 that I had hoped for potential, 2 of which sought me out...which I have to say was exciting as that hasn't happened in a long time. But both of them were the same guy they always are though, just in a different package. I guess it doesn't matter who begins the pursuit, it's how they were to me in the long run that weighs on me.

For years after Jeff I couldn't even think of being in a relationship again. I gave way more than anyone ever should in that one and it was so one sided. Ultimately realizing all of his betrayals and that they were right there in my face the whole time, but I refused to see it, made it impossible for me to trust myself when it came to men. For a while there were none at all. Then a few I knew being closed off would not be a problem...they were obviously only there for the same reason I was-fun with no strings attached.

The problem is for some time now I have been wanting to actually find someone date-able. Someone worthy of calling boyfriend, but I still keep seeking or attracting the same guy...Mr You're An Amusement Park, Right? Well no actually. I need to figure out how to stop this cycle without undoing the emotional progress I have made by closing off altogether, again.

I guess the last one really has me spinning still. I thought he was different. I thought I knew him, only to find out I actually did know him, he is THAT guy I don't need or want anymore. It makes me sad he didn't live up to my expectations of him as a person. Not that having random fun is wrong, it can be great. And he was up front kinda after the fact that he wasn't looking for a relationship, but he was not up front about his recent activities, with people I knew. People involved with men whom are sort of friends of his. It really gave me an insight into his lack of integrity that made me ill. Still does. Not that a guy could do that...I know plenty of them, I just thought he was different. Me and this guy have been done for a few weeks now, but I have to see him all the freakin time. I am nice of course, always the politician.

So this weekend rolls around and I have been looking forward to it for a month. Ever since I heard those boys from Utah were rolling back through town. When they were here last I had a small fling with the drummer. While musicians are a weakness, I don't usually succumb to random encounters with ones I don't know, but this guy was different. Before he made a pass at me I would have never even considered it. I am more that 10 years older than him, not as pretty or thin as I used to be and he is beautiful. And I don't mean just looks wise, with his personality and the way he carries himself he could easily have most any girl in the room. I was completely knocked off my feet that he would choose me. Yeah I have been in awe of this encounter for over a year and after this weekend, really in awe.

So this whole past week I have been nervous about this. I looked at the web page, saw he was still in the band so I knew he would be there. But I know the game and play it all to well at times, so I knew I could pull off being cool about it. Honestly I counted on needing to be because I figured he might have a "oh no not her" issue. Boy was I wrong! I saw him walk past me just before they went on, but said nothing. With my hair being so different I didn't expect him to recognize me anyway. I waited till the show was over. For my own sake I needed to...I wanted to see the show. These guys, well the lead man, is absolutely amazing! No way I wanted to say anything before and feel uncomfortable through the show.

So I walk up to him and he lit up as soon as he recognized me. I was so relieved! We had a bit of "how have you been?" talk and I told him I was headed across the street and he should come. It could not have been more perfect. So perfect I look back on it and up until we were totally alone, it was if it was professionally written and directed. Hung out some at the bar, mentioned I was invited back to the house and he responded he was hoping I would come hang out...perfect. When the band was turning in, I said I was leaving and he was dissapointed I was not staying. Feeling a bit bold for a moment, I invited him to my place and he accepted...perfect. Although when we got alone, I got nervous. I was a bit afraid of what to say, how to act. But he still seemed happy to be there. I asked if he had slept ok and I believe he said something like...are you kidding I slept great! Got him back in time for breakfast before they were off to another city.

Sounds like a fairytale almost...the only problem is he's gone. Not sure I will ever see him again, but then again I didn't expect to see him ever again after last year either.

So the source of my mood is I have been high on this guy for probably about 2 weeks. Then the time we spent while he was here really made me high on him, but it is bad. It's on him to keep in touch and I am afraid he won't. I am afraid that the only reason I see him with the air of difference, this light...is because he isn't here long enough for me to discover he is again, the same guy in a different package.

Yesterday I wanted to move to Utah, today I'll settle for an email in a week. Because, while he may not be my happily ever after, I really want him to at least be different.